Chapter 1 Read online

  2

  Jamallah Bergman

  IF ONLY YOU KNEW

  Jamallah Bergman

  EROTIC ROMANCE

  Secret Cravings Publishing

  www.secretcravingspublishing.com

  If Only You Knew

  3

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  4

  Jamallah Bergman

  A Secret Cravings Publishing Book

  Erotic Romance

  IF ONLY YOU KNEW

  Copyright © 2011 by Jamallah Bergman

  E-book ISBN: 978-1-61885-063-8

  First E-book Publication: November 2011

  Cover design by Beth Walker

  Edited by T. Hayes

  Proofread by Rene Flowers

  All cover art and logo copyright © 2011 by Secret Cravings Publishing ALL RIGHTS RESERVED: This literary work may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, including electronic or photographic reproduction, in whole or in part, without express written permission.

  All characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is strictly coincidental.

  PUBLISHER

  Secret Cravings Publishing

  www.secretcravingspublishing.com

  If Only You Knew

  5

  Dedication

  I would like to dedicate this story to anyone and everyone who has ever had a special someone from their past with whom they had wished they could have that second chance with.

  It’s never too late for second chances.

  To my family, for putting up with me throughout the years, I want to thank you for being there for me through thick and thin and always believing in me.

  To my “online friends” Chris, Debbie, Theresa, Mary and Helen. Without these great ladies that I have known for years on end, without their guidance and helpful ideas, I don’t know how I would be able to live throughout all of the hardships that I have had throughout my life. I love you all very much and I thank you.

  I also want to dedicate this story to a very special person who this story is really about.

  This guy was and I still consider him to be a very special someone in my life back in the day and always held a special place in my heart. Throughout all the bad times I had in school, he was always there to make me smile and laugh. I want to thank him, even though to this date he doesn’t know that I cared for him so much, without him always being in my thoughts, this story would probably never have been written.

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  Jamallah Bergman

  IF ONLY YOU KNEW

  Jamallah Bergman

  Copyright © 2011

  Chapter One

  “All I know is this, Superman can beat Batman any day of the week!” I had to do a double take when he said it because of all the stupid things to say that had to be the most stupid of them all.

  “Have you gone mental man?”

  “Listen, the only reason you’re looking at me like that is because of the simple fact that you know it’s true,” he said, tipping his beer bottle then slowly coming back at me with that notorious smile of his.

  This was one of many nights where we would go to a bar with a couple of friends, or just us two, and we would talk about the stupidest shit that anyone ever thought of.

  Tonight’s topic of discussion was Cartoons and Comic Book Characters.

  “Don’t you know that Superman has a weakness? Batman doesn’t have any weakness whatsoever, you nut!” I told him while our friend Andrew came back to the table.

  “What did he say now?”

  “He said that Superman can beat Batman.”

  Andrew started laughing as he sat down next to Marie, “Come on, Marley, now you know better than anyone that it’s Spiderman who could beat Superman. Batman has a weakness and that is his identity. If anyone was to find out that he was Bruce Wayne, then the whole concept of him being Batman would be null and void.”

  That’s when he started to laugh, something that I always seemed to enjoy. He had a hearty If Only You Knew

  7

  laugh that seemed to fill my stomach and make me just as full of laughter as he was. I don’t think I had ever heard a laugh like his before and really, truly I hoped I never would.

  “Alright, alright, I have an announcement to make. I didn’t want to say anything until I thought it was the right time, but I think that it’s a good time now,” said Richard as he got up from his chair.

  I looked up at him and that’s when he looked down at me with those steely green-gray eyes.

  Yeah, I said it, green-gray. Not blue-green or green-blue but I called them green-gray because when he was happy that’s what color they were, but when he got mad or upset, they turned gray like steel. I don’t think I have ever seen a color like that before.

  God, I could spend eternity looking into those eyes.

  “Well, for some time now, I haven’t been around you guys like I use to be; actually, this is like the first in a couple of months since we have all been out together. The reason for that is because, well, I’ve been seeing someone special.” Richard smiled.

  “So when are we going to meet this ‘girl’ of yours Rich?” Marie smirked, sipping her mixed drink as she elbowed my side.

  “She’s supposed to be on her way. I told her I wanted you guys to meet because I talk about you all the time. She is amazing and hot man, I swear to you, she is awesome as hell. You’re going to like her, I promise,” he said.

  I could feel a pit slowly forming deep within my stomach, yeah that’s what it was, a bottomless pit. God, why do I have to put myself through this mess every single time he tells us that he’s found another woman?

  “I told her a lot about you too, Marley. Hell, she’s just excited about meeting all of you guys.”

  Well that’s just great, not only is this woman happy to meet his friends, she’s excited about meeting me…hooray for me!

  “So where did you meet her?” I asked, downing my drink in one big gulp.

  “She came to my studio wanting some shots done for her portfolio, and Bobby Packard told 8

  Jamallah Bergman

  her to come to me. So, we did some shots, she loved them, and I asked her if she wanted to go out for lunch or something. She said ‘sure’ and well, it’s been a little slice of heaven since.”

  “Well as long as you’re happy.” I said. Smiling my “oh I am so happy for you even though I can’t wait to meet her” smile.

  “Richard!” shouted a woman from the direction of the front door.

  I didn’t want to look in that direction, God only knew what I would see i
f I looked that way.

  If I did look, I knew the bottomless pit expanding in my stomach would soon start staking claims for real estate.

  “Damn man, that girl is fine as hell!” said Andrew as the woman walked towards our table.

  She came over and gave Richard a big hug and an even bigger kiss. She was gorgeous; I had to admit that. She had the full package, nice brown curly hair, nice porcelain white skin, nice pretty, white smile, and nice figure.

  She was way too nice.

  “I hope I’m not late. I had a hard time finding this place, Richard.” She smiled as she took off her jacket, revealing a tight little number. Well, at least it was tight to me because I knew I could never get into anything like that. What the hell was she…a size zero or something, good grief.

  “Everybody, this is Laura Richards. Laura, this is Andrew Peterson, Marie Wallace, and this is my best friend of all, Marley Rockford.” Richard said as she started shaking our hands.

  “I’m glad that I was able to meet you y’all, Richard always talks about you guys, and it makes me feel like I’ve known you guys just as long as he has,” she said in her unique Southern drawl.

  The rest of that evening, she talked about how she went all over the world doing runway shows. How she was able to meet people as famous as Paris and Nicky Hilton, Donald Trump, and Mary Kate and Ashley. All I could do was down more and more of the drinks that I had been ordering. By the time it had gotten really late, I had downed at least 5 wine coolers…a record in my book.

  If Only You Knew

  9

  “I’ve got to go.” I started looking around for my purse, which was right in front of me, but hell, I was so damn drunk that I didn’t realize that at the moment.

  “You need some help, Marley?” Richard asked, helping me get my purse. “Yeah, let me help you get a cab. I’ll be right back, you guys.”

  When we stepped outside, the night air hit my face like a slap as I held Richard’s arm for support.

  “Taxi…taxi! So tell me, what you think of Laura?” he asked, while we waited.

  “She seems like a really lovely girl. She’s very worldly.” I tried to straighten myself.

  “I’m glad you liked her, that’s what mattered to me the most, that you liked her, Marley.” He meant it this time. I could tell this time he meant it for real by the way his eyes twinkled and his skin seemed to glow. He was honestly in love with this woman.

  Shit, what am I going to do now?

  The taxi pulled up, he opened the door, and I got inside. I looked up at him, and he chuckled a little then said, “You need to lay off the drink for a while, Marley Mar.” He closed the door, and I waved him off as the cabbie asked, “Where to?”

  “473 Abernathy Way.”

  I laid my head back, the glow of the neon lights playing tricks with my eyes as we sped off, going home. All I wanted was to forget tonight, forget everything said and done. But I knew that was not going to happen anytime soon. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why I always put myself through all this unnecessary turmoil with Richard. Every single time he gets a new woman in his life, the more I grin and bear it.

  When I met Richard Collins, we were both in college.

  It was our freshman year and I was sitting by myself in History class with Mr. Davis. No one wanted to sit with me, and I kept thinking that it felt so much like High School all over again. No one wanted to sit next to the fat chick, until he came over to my table.

  “Do you mind if I sit here?”

  I looked at him and moved my purse out of the chair. Right then and there, I knew I was in 10

  Jamallah Bergman

  love with him.

  “Is this your first year here?”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “Mine too, what is your major?”

  “Creative Writing, I plan on begin a writer.”

  “Wow, you must be real smart then.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh but he did as well and that is what started our friendship. We were study buddies all throughout college, even though we sometimes had different classes; we were always there for each other.

  When I got home, I walked inside and took off my shoes before turning on the light.

  Stumbling over something, I tried to feel the switch on the wall to flick it on. I looked up and saw myself in the mirror, which I put there to look at myself before I left the house.

  I didn’t like what I saw looking back at me.

  Breathing a heavy sigh, I ran my fingers through my hair, knowing I needed to wash it. My eyes looked swollen from drinking so much. I looked like hell, and this night, thinking about Richard and that beauty queen of a girlfriend of his, wasn’t making my head feel any better.

  Slowly, I walked to the couch and plopped my fat butt on it.

  Thank God for strong couches!

  I could feel the alcohol slowly putting me to sleep, making me feel as though I was slowly sinking deeper within the depths of the couch. I was that numb from drunkenness, sorrow, and pain as I slowly started drifting off to sleep, trying not to think about what happened tonight.

  The next day, while I was working on my novel, the intercom buzzer went off, and I went to see who it was.

  “Yeah, who is it?”

  “It’s me, Marie, and Andrew. Can we come up, we’ve got lunch?” I buzzed them in and unlocked the door, walking back to my laptop to continue the If Only You Knew

  11

  paragraph. When they both came in, Marie had two bags of food and went straight for the kitchen while Andrew came and sat next to me.

  “How’s your head?”

  “Fine, the hangover has completely left me. It will probably take up residence another night.” I joked as I finished the paragraph and saved it. “So what happened when I left the “nice” party?”

  “She was telling us about Italy and asked if we would like anything from there. She’s supposed to be going to Milan for a shoot for some magazine for a week and a half. She went on and on until I told them both I had to go,” Marie said while getting some plates for us then going back for the food.

  “But man, she was hot. Richard has good taste in women.” Andrew smiled as he handed me a plate. I gave him a cold stare as Marie came back with the food. We sat in silence and ate our food; at least, I tried to eat my food. I kept picking at it with my chop sticks then put my plate down.

  “What’s the matter? You can’t be full already,” Andrew said, looking at my plate.

  “I just can’t eat right now. I have way too much on my mind with the deadline for this story and with…well, with Richard and his new girl—him and his fucking girlfriends. First, it was Marlene the accountant, then Allison the bartender over at the club, and now, it’s this model. I don’t understand what the hell he sees in these women. All I see is that they are way too pretty and way too hooked on themselves and not him,” I said as I got up and went to the window, looking at the buildings in front of me. “Why can’t he be with someone who cares about him, someone who understands him better than anyone else, someone like…?”

  “You,” said Andrew as I looked back at him, trying not to cry in front of them. They knew my feelings for Richard; the only one who didn’t know was Richard himself.

  “Why don’t you just tell him how you feel, get it over with, so you can be happy. I hated seeing you last night, getting drunk out of your mind like that. You do that, or you get pissed off, or you eat too much,” Marie said, walking up and holding my hand. “He doesn’t see me that 12

  Jamallah Bergman

  way, only the ‘I am the best bud in the whole wide world.’ I’m just one of the guys who jokes, laughs, and makes stupid comments about things, shit like that. I’m not like that pretty looking thing with the slim waist. Every time he does this, I want to stay as far away from him as I can, but I can’t do it. It’s like I’m drawn to him and whenever he ends up breaking up with them, I am always his shoulder to cry on.” I started sniffling as Marie gave me a hug.<
br />
  “Just tell him. What harm could come if you tell him how you feel?” Andrew asked.

  “A lot, I could lose him if I tell and I don’t want that to happen. You don’t understand, my track record with men hasn’t been the best, it’s been really bad, and whenever I find someone that I really like and tell them how I care about them, they stop talking to me all together. I don’t think I could handle it if I lost him. I’m going to put it on the back burner for now, be a big girl, and let it go.”

  Marie looked at me and shook her head, “Sweetheart you’re going to have to tell him sometime, you can’t keep putting things on the back burner. Listen, why don’t you come with me, and we can go shopping and get us some nice things. Maybe we can go out to the club tonight, just me and you, huh, what do you say?” I smiled at Marie and nodded.

  That night we went to our favorite little hangout, a strip club we frequented on the weekends. We had been there so many times that they basically knew us on a first name basis.

  “How’s your story going?” asked this guy whose stage name was Houston.

  “I should be done in about week or so, depends on whether I finish before the deadline.” I smiled, drinking my third drink of the night.

  “Why don’t you give me that drink? You’ve had enough already,” Marie told me, trying to get my glass, but I was too quick and grabbed it before she did. I downed it quick then grabbed Houston’s hand as I tried to stand. We walked to a quiet little corner of the club where it was dark and no one could see what we were doing. Houston knew how to treat me just right as another song began, and he began to dance for me. Sitting back, I watched him, trying to focus on his body as the red, blue, yellow, and orange lights seemed to cast an aura around his body. It mesmerized me how he looked moving his hips from side to side to the music, slowly getting If Only You Knew

  13

  naked in front of me. I could only sit there like something from The Night of the Living Dead and watch him dance. I was completely numb from the liquor, from the lights, and from those gyrating hips of his.

  “Are you ok, sweetheart?” One of the other dancers kneeled beside me, looking concerned.

  I looked at the guy and smiled, pulling out a wad of money from my bra, “C’mon baby, dance for momma tonight!”